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Survive video games

Survive: Sonic the Hedgehog

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A spherical super scientist constantly trying to take over the world. Killer robots. A water demon. Demons, in general. Even clone happy evil aliens. The world of Sonic the Hedgehog can be dangerous—didn’t the freaking planet break apart in one game? Ugh! Better pack my first-aid kit.

Let’s begin.

My actions in Sonic’s world depend on whether I’m a human or an animal. Humans are pretty much screwed in the Sonicverse. They have no powers and G.U.N., an organization “fighting” Dr. Eggman, is a joke. If I’m human I’m doomed. I won’t join G.U.N. (because I don’t want to get killed by a coconut throwing robot monkey or some crap like that), so I’ll have to move to the city and find a quiet job close to my house. Why? Because I don’t wanna be bouncing twenty feet in the air on springs to get to the office! I’m not driving my leased car through loops either. No, I’m working from home and hoping for the best.

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Still not worse than commuting in L.A.

If I’m an anthropomorphic animal, let’s say a bunny, things are slightly different. First, I get to enjoy walking around without pants. That’s freaking awesome! But, fur on my butt can cause problems in the bathroom. Moving on, I can at least fight. Spinning? Why not. If foxes and squirrels can do it, so can I. Better horde as many gold rings and power-up TVs I can. Shields are a must. Can I sell those gold rings for quick cash or did their value plummet due to easy availability? Guess I’ll need to find something more valuable.

Used robot parts, ya’ll.

Just stick a battery instead of a bird inside and voila! You’re very own guard robot, assuming Eggman doesn’t override them upon reassembly. Better put that in the warranty.

Okay, may as well find a chaos emerald. Not all of them, just one. Put it on ebay and I’m set for life. Each one generates limitless energy. I’m sure some governments and internet monopolies are already drooling.

Alright, time to gather the data and compensating for bonus levels…I can survive in Sonic the Hedgehog’s world for:

As a human: Two weeks.

As a bunny: Four hours.

Oh, boy. As a human, I’ll die trying to escape a badnik attack. Turns out, jumping on floating platforms is harder in real life, bummer.

As a bunny, I’ll die overexerting myself during a boss battle. Eggman, in a donut making death robot, smashes me with a giant lemon-filled pastry. Damn. Could’ve at least killed me with a cruller.

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I don’t think so. Ray. Mighty. You’re up.

By Redgeek

A geek talking about stuff he likes.

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