Survive: Sonic the Hedgehog

A spherical super scientist constantly trying to take over the world. Killer robots. A water demon. Demons, in general. Even clone happy evil aliens. The world of Sonic the Hedgehog can be dangerous—didn’t the freaking planet break apart in one game? Ugh! Better pack my first-aid kit.

Let’s begin.

My actions in Sonic’s world depend on whether I’m a human or an animal. Humans are pretty much screwed in the Sonicverse. They have no powers and G.U.N., an organization “fighting” Dr. Eggman, is a joke. If I’m human I’m doomed. I won’t join G.U.N. (because I don’t want to get killed by a coconut throwing robot monkey or some crap like that), so I’ll have to move to the city and find a quiet job close to my house. Why? Because I don’t wanna be bouncing twenty feet in the air on springs to get to the office! I’m not driving my leased car through loops either. No, I’m working from home and hoping for the best.

Still not worse than commuting in L.A.

If I’m an anthropomorphic animal, let’s say a bunny, things are slightly different. First, I get to enjoy walking around without pants. That’s freaking awesome! But, fur on my butt can cause problems in the bathroom. Moving on, I can at least fight. Spinning? Why not. If foxes and squirrels can do it, so can I. Better horde as many gold rings and power-up TVs I can. Shields are a must. Can I sell those gold rings for quick cash or did their value plummet due to easy availability? Guess I’ll need to find something more valuable.

Used robot parts, ya’ll.

Just stick a battery instead of a bird inside and voila! You’re very own guard robot, assuming Eggman doesn’t override them upon reassembly. Better put that in the warranty.

Okay, may as well find a chaos emerald. Not all of them, just one. Put it on ebay and I’m set for life. Each one generates limitless energy. I’m sure some governments and internet monopolies are already drooling.

Alright, time to gather the data and compensating for bonus levels…I can survive in Sonic the Hedgehog’s world for:

Survive: Johto Region (Pokemon)

How long can I survive in my favorite Pokemon region?

Let’s start with the basics. No, actually let’s start with that ariados about to attack me. I hate spiders! I escape but need a pokemon. Don’t have a fishing rod so no water pokemon for me, damn—love my water pokes. Okay, no choice but to grab that wild metapod. Takes a while but it evolves into a butterfree. Beat down a couple six-year old’s level four rattata and get enough money to buy my Big Butt (butterfree’s name) a pokeball.

I can live off berries but need a job. I buy more pokeballs and start catching pokemon, but since I’m not officially registered I can’t catch more than six, no PC boxes. So much for becoming a Gym Leader. It’s the underground pokeworld for me. I use my perfectly balanced team of six pokemon (Butterfree [Big Butt], Raichu [Evil Pikachu, I should change its name], Gengar [Gengar, Was in a hurry that day], Azumarill [Wizard of Az], Sandslash [Prince, everyone should have a pokemon named after Prince], and Umbreon [Fido, so hipster]) and begin building my reputation as a strong pokemon trainer, getting the attention of Team Rocket. Won’t take long before I’m an executive, mowing down some punk kid with a typhlosion who thought he could mess with me.

Team Rocket ultimately does dissolve leaving me to form my own group, Team Tricycle. See, it’s non-threatening so the cops won’t take us seriously. In a couple years, I’ll build enough power to…what the hell am I trying to do again? Oh, yeah, survive. I’m just having so much fun!

Okay, factoring the time taken to catch and train pokemon, the amount of wild pokemon, and sheer annoyance of pokemon contests, I can survive the Johto Region for…

Survive: The Facility [Cabin In The Woods]

Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!
This is a toughie.

I absolutely need a head start to have any chance of making it out alive. Let’s set the clock to sixty seconds before the first Purge wave, teleporting at some random spot inside The Facility with added knowledge of what’s coming.

Alright, I have no clue how to get out. If I appear near the elevators I’m hauling ass, yelling I’m just an intern to keep any I.D. watching soldiers out my way. Actually, I should be hauling ass no matter where I end up. Problem is without an I.D. I’ll eventually get stopped or blocked by an access only door. No matter, when the monsters start coming all that crap goes out the window.

Hiding may be an option. Dana and Marty hid for awhile. If I can hold up in a closet—no, that’s stupid. Either I starve in there or a monster finds me. I need a weapon, fast. Gotta be an armory somewhere. Go there, grab whatever’s around and fight my way out. But, I don’t know where the armory is. I’ll be monster chow by then. Unless, I grab a dead soldier’s gun, not much but it’s all I got.

I can pretend to be a zombie. But, the monsters don’t attack each other. Must be some supernatural force at work there. Won’t get far like that. I can follow Gary Sitterson underground, but killing Marty won’t stop the Ancient Ones from awaking. Damn it! Forgot about them. I have to get out of the entire Facility to stand a chance not getting killing by them just waking.

Okay, factoring in the vast number of monsters, lack of places to hide, and no plot armor, I can survive The Facility for…

Survive: Beach City [Steven Universe]

Beach City, home to Steven Universe and the Crystal Gems. Remember, his name’s Steven. Don’t worry if you forget, the show will constantly remind you, repeating his name at least twenty times an episode.

Tangent, sorry. I moved to Beach City. How long can I survive? The Crystal Gems can take care of any gem related problem, just have to keep my distance from their HQ. Will need a job, the Big Donut has an opening. May as well make myself the manager, more money for me.

Guess I’ll live in an apartment near the Big Donut. Do they have apartments in Beach City? Well, if not, I can live in a motel until I can afford my own house. Maybe learn martial arts or get a motorcycle in case a gem threat goes down. I can sorta protect myself or escape on my bike.

Okay, considering the price of living, intergalactic threats, and abundance of heart-filled talks involving healthy displays of emotion, I can probably survive in Beach City for: 

Survive: The Mushroom Kingdom

Nintendo’s Mushroom Kingdom. Home to fungus and angry turtles. Lava pits, pipes,  and sentient clouds. How long could I survive in this fantastical world?

The Mushroom Kingdom is ruled by a monarchy but she’s at least kind. Lot’s of bricks and bottomless pits in the way, but plenty of power-ups to get around safely. I’ll need them against Bowser’s forces because I don’t think the Mushroom Kingdom has a police force. The Mario Bros. are basically it, so I can’t expect help from them if they’re constantly out saving the princess.

Not sure how the Mushroom government works. Who keeps the trains on time if Princess Peach is always getting kidnapped? Doesn’t matter, I’ll just collect coins with my power-ups and buy whatever I need. Better be careful not to rent a haunted house. Maybe get a cloud house in the Sky World, away from all that royal dragon turtle drama. Don’t wanna get caught in the middle of a battle—Hammer Bros. or Bullet Bills are not my idea of fun. Yep, gathering coins and power-ups then laying low in some area away from Peach’s castle is my best bet. Does Mushroom Kingdom have electricity? That’s a huge deal breaker if not. I think it does in some places. It’s got planes and other machines.

Okay, considering access to money, possible housing locations and the overall state of a kingdom at war, I think I can survive living in the Mushroom Kingdom for:

Survive: Totto Land

Yonko Pirate Big Mom’s archipelago, home to Whole Cake Island, her primary base of operations. How long could I survive in Totto Land?

First I’d have to show loyalty to the Big Mom Pirates, maybe join the crew as a lackey. But, I’m not a fighter so I’ll probably get a normal job on one of Totto Land’s thirty-five islands—islands made of food. Cacao Island, Nuts Island, Cheese Island, Milk Island, so many to choose from. Well, not Milk Island, place is most likely ninety-nine percent rancid. Can’t forget the rivers of juice. Think I’ll travel about before settling down.

But, what to do about the soul payment? Big Mom collects one month of every resident’s life span twice a year. Small but it’ll add up over time. And, it’s not like I can leave. Big Mom isn’t one to let members of her crew go—the same is probably true for her regular citizens. So, adding up the soul payments, option to join Big Mom’s crew and the general living conditions of one constantly living in, on, and around food, I estimate I can survive for…