Carmen Sandiego Dead at 33

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I’ll tell where she isn’t, somewhere breathing. Carmen Sandiego, leader of V.I.L.E. (Villains’ International League of Evil), and world record holder for most frequent flier miles earned, died attempting to escape an underage child apparently working for a detective agency. Witnesses saw the woman running through the streets holding a Fabergé egg when she unexpectedly tripped and fell in the path of drunk roller bladers on their way to a Rockapella concert.

Police were baffled how she obtained the rare egg from the museum and, even more so, how she made it so far wearing high heels. Onlookers took photos of the deceased criminal’s trademark red trench coat, torn open, revealing a t-shirt with the words “What’s Crackalackin?” and booty shorts with stop signs on each cheek.

Sandiego’s funeral services will be held at a secret location accessed to anyone willing to travel the globe hunting for clues or reading spoilers on reddit. V.I.L.E. representatives are encouraging anyone attending to bring all their credit cards and bank statements for “special I.D. checks *coughcough*.” An investigation into ACME Detective Agency’s child labor hiring practices is currently underway.

Optimus Prime Dead At…How Old Is He?

Autobot leader and licensed wedding planner, Optimus Prime, born/built Orion Pax, has died, once again. Officials report this latest death due to ransomware. Sources close to the former carrier of the Matrix of Leadership blames Prime’s negligence to update his anti-virus program for millions of years.

Galvatron in a statement last night said “The next person to call me Megatron gets a particle accelerator cannon where the CPU don’t shine.” Currently, plans are in effect to announce Arcee as the new Autobot leader. Seems the new leader is picked from names out a cranium compartment. “Doesn’t matter. We all know he’s coming back,” said Ultra Magus. “And he still owes me five energon cubes I loaned him at Autobot City.”

This time Prime’s funeral will be held inside Unicron’s head with Michael Bay leading the proceedings. Expect a twenty-one explosion salute. Guests will include members of G.I. Joe, New Avengers, and Styx.

Editor’s Note: An error occurred. Turns out the robot who died was in fact Leader-1, leader of the Guardians. As requested, his body will be melted down to make affordable cell phones for improvised families. We apologize for the confusion.

Jokey Smurf Dead at 153

 

It was bound to happen eventually. Resident practical joker and Overwatch rage quitter, Jokey Smurf died yesterday from, what else, a practical joke gone wrong.

Jokey Carlin Smurf, known for getting residents of Smurf Village to fall for the same exploding gift joke for decades, got the ultimate surprise trying a new explosive for use in his classic gag. The blue prankster, according to Autopsy Smurf, used too much C-4 resulting in a mishandled explosion blowing the shirtless comedian to bits. A statement released just hours ago from Obvious Smurf said “Duh! Like anyone needs a PhD to figure that out.”

Jokey’s funeral is slated to be held at Quarrel Castle with an estimated expected crowd of at least ten. Seems the joking smurf’s reputation precedes him as almost everyone thinks it’s some kind of elaborate joke. According to Jokey’s will, his funeral will be a comedy roast hosted by Pee-Wee with guest appearances from Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer, Bianca Del Rio, Grouchy Smurf, and Jeff Ross. Get your tickets now. Wizards under two-hundred get in free. Absolutely no gift boxes allowed!

Eric Raymond Dead at 53 [Jem & The Holograms]

Surprise! Surprise! Do you like surprises? Well, I got one for you. Listen Up. Eric Raymond is dead. It Takes A Lot to Survive in this world. But, Eric couldn’t survive changes in popular music, overdosing on reality star auto-tune. Police have yet to determine whether that is the official cause of death or if he was mistakenly killed by the Misfits in a scheme to stop Jem & The Holograms from performing at a Super Smash Bros. tournament.

Allegedly Makin’ Mischief for other musical acts, Raymond was being investigated over possible involvement in a freak plane crash that killed Josie & the Pussycats after their glorious return from outer space. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! answers.

The Misfits are scheduled to play at the former music mogul’s Free and Easy funeral service this weekend in Hawaii, using the opportunity to challenge Jem & The Holograms to their two-hundredth Battle of the Bands. No, the Stingers aren’t invited. The entire event will be streamed on KJEM’s website.

This is Farewell to you, Eric Raymond. Congratulations for almost Takin’ It All, but Now it’s the end of your careee~~eer.

Applejack Dead at 33 (93 in horse years)

Generation One My Little Pony brought happiness and gender targeted toys to untold girls and plastic toy collectors in the 1980s. With a heavy Dark Heart, I announce that generation’s beloved character, Applejack, had passed away due to complications from moldy hay stuck in her throat.

Applejack, real name Crabapple Jackson, gave life and cute girly sounds to the role of the silly pony Applejack. She leaves behind four daughters, twelve grandchildren, and a collection of stale Hostess apple pies no one wants to inherit. Her life-long friend, Dolly Parton will be playing at her funeral at Midnight Castle on Sunday. G4 Applejack posted on twitter this morning calling her alternate version “A bad jumper but a heck of a good mentor and friend.”

Goodbye, dear mare. You will forever be one of the greatest Applejacks not counting the current series or the cereal.