One Piece

How to Avoid Getting Screwed by Big Mom


She’s one of the most powerful pirates in the One Piece world. Her wrath can reach almost anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Her appetite knows no bounds. Pirate Emperor Big Mom, leader of the Big Mom Pirates and avid Cake Wars fan has a dream, to create a world were everyone gets along and can eat at the same table. And, she’s spent most of her life working towards that dream—by having lots and lots AND LOTS of sex.

For those few who are innocent and pure, children are usually a product of sex. Big Mom wants kids of every ethnicity and species. Unfortunately for her partners, the emperor isn’t someone who takes no for an answer. If she wants you to paint her sugar walls, you better take out that ink brush and get to work. Plus, you can bet she’ll be eating the whole time, and who wants crumbs smacking you in the face while getting your freak on? Not to mention, Big Mom always keeps her three homies with her. So, unless you’re an exhibitionist, a talking cloud, sun and hat/sword giving commentary about your performance doesn’t sound very appealing. Make no mistake, you will be compared to every other guy who worked in Charlotte Linlin’s candy factory. Don’t know about you, but I don’t need that extra pressure.

And, lets be clear, YOU will be doing the dirty deed at Whole Cake Chateau, Big Mom’s castle. She’s definitely not getting busy at Casa del Baby Daddy or some cheap motel. Both of you will be bumping candy corns on her frosted covered bed. For your sake, I hope that’s frosting.

So, how can you prevent things from getting that far? Here are five tips to avoid having sex with Big Mom:

1.) Be Boring.
Big Mom is only interested in things that excite her. If you have three arms or can break dance in the dark surrounded by rabid wolves, watch out. Keep that information off New World Twitter or say you photoshopped those extra appendages—whatever it takes to keeps her eyes off you.

2.) Get a Vasectomy.
Can’t have a kid if your gun doesn’t shoot. If you see Big Mom’s flunkies coming, run…straight to the nearest surgeon.

3.) Say You Hate Sweets.
Granted, this is a more dangerous choice. Big Mom will either be so disgusted she leaves or wants you destroyed for having horrible taste in food. Tread carefully with this one.

4.) Claim You’re a Member of the Charlotte Family.
Look, Big Mom’s had a lot of children over the decades, even her kids got kids. Use that to your advantage! Pretend to be one of her grand kids, she can’t know what they all look like. If that doesn’t work, say you’re related to a former baby daddy. She just may let you off the hook, but it’s risky.

5.) Get Emporio Ivankov to Change Your Gender.
Finding her/him will be difficult, but you can’t screw Big Mom without a hammer (guess screwdriver makes more sense). Search every Rocky Horror flash mob and convention, it’ll only be a matter of time before she/he appears.

Hope this helps and if all else fails, throw a cheesecake at her then run like hell. Good luck.

By Redgeek

A geek talking about stuff he likes.

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