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2D News video games

2D News: Mario and Luigi Set to be DLC in Upcoming Smash Bros. Ultimate Video Game

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In wake of the hit video game Dragon Ball Fighterz announcing Base Goku and Base Vegeta as soon to be released DLC, Nintendo has revealed the twin plumbers themselves will only be available as DLC for $5.99 each.
“Hey, I said everyone’s in the game. I didn’t say how,” Smash Bros. creator, Masahiro Sakurai, said while riding the teacups at Tokyo Disneyland. “But, don’t worry, Metal Mario and Mr. L [alternate versions of the famous video game brothers] will be playable for free at launch date.

When asked whether Waluigi will make his Smash Bros. debut as DLC, Sakurai threw up. The interviewer was unable to confirm whether it was due to Sakurai going on TDL rides all day or a burning hatred toward Waluigi.

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Survive video games

Survive: Sonic the Hedgehog

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A spherical super scientist constantly trying to take over the world. Killer robots. A water demon. Demons, in general. Even clone happy evil aliens. The world of Sonic the Hedgehog can be dangerous—didn’t the freaking planet break apart in one game? Ugh! Better pack my first-aid kit.

Let’s begin.

My actions in Sonic’s world depend on whether I’m a human or an animal. Humans are pretty much screwed in the Sonicverse. They have no powers and G.U.N., an organization “fighting” Dr. Eggman, is a joke. If I’m human I’m doomed. I won’t join G.U.N. (because I don’t want to get killed by a coconut throwing robot monkey or some crap like that), so I’ll have to move to the city and find a quiet job close to my house. Why? Because I don’t wanna be bouncing twenty feet in the air on springs to get to the office! I’m not driving my leased car through loops either. No, I’m working from home and hoping for the best.

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Still not worse than commuting in L.A.

If I’m an anthropomorphic animal, let’s say a bunny, things are slightly different. First, I get to enjoy walking around without pants. That’s freaking awesome! But, fur on my butt can cause problems in the bathroom. Moving on, I can at least fight. Spinning? Why not. If foxes and squirrels can do it, so can I. Better horde as many gold rings and power-up TVs I can. Shields are a must. Can I sell those gold rings for quick cash or did their value plummet due to easy availability? Guess I’ll need to find something more valuable.

Used robot parts, ya’ll.

Just stick a battery instead of a bird inside and voila! You’re very own guard robot, assuming Eggman doesn’t override them upon reassembly. Better put that in the warranty.

Okay, may as well find a chaos emerald. Not all of them, just one. Put it on ebay and I’m set for life. Each one generates limitless energy. I’m sure some governments and internet monopolies are already drooling.

Alright, time to gather the data and compensating for bonus levels…I can survive in Sonic the Hedgehog’s world for:

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cartoon Dead video games

Carmen Sandiego Dead at 33

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Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I’ll tell where she isn’t, somewhere breathing. Carmen Sandiego, leader of V.I.L.E. (Villains’ International League of Evil), and world record holder for most frequent flier miles earned, died attempting to escape an underage child apparently working for a detective agency. Witnesses saw the woman running through the streets holding a Fabergé egg when she unexpectedly tripped and fell in the path of drunk roller bladers on their way to a Rockapella concert.

Police were baffled how she obtained the rare egg from the museum and, even more so, how she made it so far wearing high heels. Onlookers took photos of the deceased criminal’s trademark red trench coat, torn open, revealing a t-shirt with the words “What’s Crackalackin?” and booty shorts with stop signs on each cheek.

Sandiego’s funeral services will be held at a secret location accessed to anyone willing to travel the globe hunting for clues or reading spoilers on reddit. V.I.L.E. representatives are encouraging anyone attending to bring all their credit cards and bank statements for “special I.D. checks *coughcough*.” An investigation into ACME Detective Agency’s child labor hiring practices is currently underway.

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Survive video games

Survive: Johto Region (Pokemon)

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How long can I survive in my favorite Pokemon region?

Let’s start with the basics. No, actually let’s start with that ariados about to attack me. I hate spiders! I escape but need a pokemon. Don’t have a fishing rod so no water pokemon for me, damn—love my water pokes. Okay, no choice but to grab that wild metapod. Takes a while but it evolves into a butterfree. Beat down a couple six-year old’s level four rattata and get enough money to buy my Big Butt (butterfree’s name) a pokeball.

I can live off berries but need a job. I buy more pokeballs and start catching pokemon, but since I’m not officially registered I can’t catch more than six, no PC boxes. So much for becoming a Gym Leader. It’s the underground pokeworld for me. I use my perfectly balanced team of six pokemon (Butterfree [Big Butt], Raichu [Evil Pikachu, I should change its name], Gengar [Gengar, Was in a hurry that day], Azumarill [Wizard of Az], Sandslash [Prince, everyone should have a pokemon named after Prince], and Umbreon [Fido, so hipster]) and begin building my reputation as a strong pokemon trainer, getting the attention of Team Rocket. Won’t take long before I’m an executive, mowing down some punk kid with a typhlosion who thought he could mess with me.

Team Rocket ultimately does dissolve leaving me to form my own group, Team Tricycle. See, it’s non-threatening so the cops won’t take us seriously. In a couple years, I’ll build enough power to…what the hell am I trying to do again? Oh, yeah, survive. I’m just having so much fun!

Okay, factoring the time taken to catch and train pokemon, the amount of wild pokemon, and sheer annoyance of pokemon contests, I can survive the Johto Region for…

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Survive video games

Survive: The Mushroom Kingdom

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Nintendo’s Mushroom Kingdom. Home to fungus and angry turtles. Lava pits, pipes,  and sentient clouds. How long could I survive in this fantastical world?

The Mushroom Kingdom is ruled by a monarchy but she’s at least kind. Lot’s of bricks and bottomless pits in the way, but plenty of power-ups to get around safely. I’ll need them against Bowser’s forces because I don’t think the Mushroom Kingdom has a police force. The Mario Bros. are basically it, so I can’t expect help from them if they’re constantly out saving the princess.

Not sure how the Mushroom government works. Who keeps the trains on time if Princess Peach is always getting kidnapped? Doesn’t matter, I’ll just collect coins with my power-ups and buy whatever I need. Better be careful not to rent a haunted house. Maybe get a cloud house in the Sky World, away from all that royal dragon turtle drama. Don’t wanna get caught in the middle of a battle—Hammer Bros. or Bullet Bills are not my idea of fun. Yep, gathering coins and power-ups then laying low in some area away from Peach’s castle is my best bet. Does Mushroom Kingdom have electricity? That’s a huge deal breaker if not. I think it does in some places. It’s got planes and other machines.

Okay, considering access to money, possible housing locations and the overall state of a kingdom at war, I think I can survive living in the Mushroom Kingdom for: